LEAVING

Nowadays I dream of 2014, and in my dream I do not see it, but I know it is. In those sleeping moments, it comes in noisily like a dragon fly, and leaves noiselessly like muffled human fart, laving behind vestiges of staleness.



Today is the last day of the month and the last day of the year. It can only happen that way once in a year, and that’s why I shake my head at those who blab on ‘it’s like any other day. Its just a Wednesday. It’s the last day of the year, so what?’ Apparently these folks have not known gratitude. No, they haven’t.


Today gives me a reason to reflect, to think back to the very first day in this year (which is but a blur to me now). As I think, I try to imagine my thoughts at the time, I fuse my self into my head twelve months ago, and I know I couldn’t have ever pictured today, not in the largest and finest of my contemplations. I could never have put together the array of events that had played out in 365 days at the time. I could have told anyone who told me it will play out this way that it was a lie.


I could have sworn on it. That it was a lie.


So today’s strange, like one looking at his reflection in the mirror after so long a time, barely recognising the image. I am scared of letting today slip out of my hands. With each passing second, I feel bereaved, like I am loosing something precious. I cannot wait for 2015, yet I cannot let go of 2014. Not that easily. Not after 365 days of romance. It’s hard.


There is still this bittersweet feeling for 2014. To think that I will no longer write it on the pages of my notes, or see it atop a post on my blog. To think that it can no longer be the present, but the past. To think that soon I will speak of this day in past tense, as last year. It hurts. Like I am leaving my shadow behind, or my foreskin after circumcision.


I feel safer with 2014. 2015 is unsure. 2014 has memories for me. How does one leave a lover that way? 2015, how can I know what you are when I have not seen you. I feel lost. Like I was dropped in a chasm between two worlds. In a hole of nothingness. A deep black hole.


I want to capture this last day, these last few moments in a box and keep it there forever, and go back to it days and weeks and months, maybe even years after now to relive the moment. Maybe this is the first ‘last day of the year’ I am being fully conscious of. Maybe.


Or maybe I am growing old.


Maybe I am afraid of something.


Oh yes, I am afraid of 2015. In a good way. The way you’re afraid of slaughtering a goat you will eat for your birthday. I feel unprepared, like I am on the edge of a speedboat, trying to maintain balance, struggling with the waves, yet on the verge of a fall. The feeling you get when you come late and underdressed to a party. I feel as though 2015 should wait a bit. Wait out time, spend a few more days before it comes.


But how can time wait out time? I wish.


Yes, they said it waits for no man. They were right.


Whatever I didn’t do in 2014, I can no longer do in 2014, and whatever I did in 2014, I cannot undo in 2014.


In other words, the year is gone.


My mind is a madhouse, my heart seems to be beating at seven times its pace. It is running helter skelter, working overtime, trying to find what has not been done, pulling at the threads tor whatever of it is left in 2014,yet it is too late.


So I have to accept it, it is inevitable. Like when death comes with its calling card. I have to accept that 2014 is over. I have to open my arms to 2015, however unprepared I seem to be.


Then vertigo.


I am ready